Fostering with children: Everything you need to know

If you’re considering becoming a foster parent, it’s important you think about how it will affect your whole family, including your children. Here’s our advice for making a career in fostering a success when you have your own kids at home.

The decision to become a foster parent isn’t one you make overnight. It takes careful consideration and there are a number of things to think about. This is especially true when you already have your own children at home. After all, keeping them safe and protecting their wellbeing will also be a number one priority alongside providing the best care possible for the child you're looking after.

However, we know from experience that with the right communication, planning and education for children who foster, it can be a truly positive experience. So, here’s everything you need to know about fostering with children to help you make the right decision for you and your family.

If I foster, can it affect my own child?

Fostering a child is a rich and rewarding role, but it’s a big lifestyle change that will have an impact on the whole household. There might be some potential hurdles to overcome but there are also so many benefits for children in foster care when the family fostering them has other children in the home. It’s also an incredibly valuable and positive experience for children who foster too.

There are many lessons for your children to learn, such as empathy, caring for others and growing up with a greater appreciation for what they have in life. It’s safe to say, fostering with children will look different in each family, however, there are some common ways that fostering can impact your children.

1. Feeling left out

Your children might initially feel as though they’re not getting as much attention from you. This could lead to them acting out to demand your attention, or they could feel dejected and go insular. Caring for a child who has suffered a great deal of pain and loss does require a lot of time and energy, so it’s best to be honest about this upfront.

Explain that it might take some time to adjust as you get to know the child in your care and help them settle in. If your children are aware of how their foster sibling is feeling and what their previous home life was like, they might not be so demanding of your time and affection.

2. Having to share

The idea of sharing can be hard for little ones to process. Even between biological siblings, sharing isn’t the easiest social skill to master. While it’s advised that foster children must ask to use another child’s belongings – and the same is expected of children who foster too – to help establish healthy boundaries, they could still feel discomfort at having to share their parents and home.

A lot of children are naturally more receptive to sharing once they know a child has had less than them, and will willingly offer up their snacks or toys, but it’s important to remember that all children will respond differently.

3. Feeling a sense of loss or inconsistency

Some children in foster care stay with a foster family on a short-term basis, while others stay long-term. Depending on the type of fostering you do, your children may have to get used to seeing children come and go.

Saying goodbye to a foster baby, child or teenager can be difficult, especially if they’ve built a bond. Letting your children know the possible outcomes of fostering will enable them to be better prepared for when a placement ends.

4. Exposure to the effects of trauma

Most of the children in foster care will have lived through some traumatic experiences. This could be abuse, neglect, the death of a parent or a breakdown in the family. Early childhood trauma can impact a child’s behavioural, emotional and psychological development, which is why the role of a foster parent is so critical in helping them make positive choices.

The child in your care might exhibit challenging behaviour, or they could disclose stories to your kids about their pasts that include upsetting details. It’s important your children understand why children come into care and also try to establish clear boundaries when you welcome a foster child into your home.

5. Difficulty understanding cultural differences

You may care for children who have a different religion or ethnicity to you. When you do, you’ll need to ensure they don’t lose their cultural identity. This means accommodating any religious practices, traditional cultural dress and providing different foods.

Depending on their age and maturity, your birth child might wonder why their foster sibling wears different clothes or does different things to them. To ensure the child in your care feels accepted and confident in being themselves, it’s important your own children are accepting of them too.

6. Not getting along with the child in your care

We’ll always do everything we can to make sure you’re matched with the right young person, but we can’t predict if children will become friends or not. As they say, kids will be kids!

While sibling squabbles are normally taken with a pinch of salt, if the children in your home are having more serious problems adjusting to one another, we have professional supervising social workers and family support workers who provide practical advice and can step in to help resolve these tricky situations.

Challenges for children who foster

Read about some of the challenges you may need to support your children to overcome...

Skye's Fostering Story

Watch our interview with Skye, the child of one of our foster families. She shares her experience growing up with foster siblings and why she couldn't love it more if she tried.

Download Our Children Who Foster Guide

Help your children discover what it's like to be part of a family that fosters.

Download Guide

Top tips when fostering with children

The outcomes of the children in care are paramount, but so is the wellbeing of your own children. That’s why it’s important to include them at the very start of your fostering journey so you can plan and prepare together as a family.

Children who foster with their families need to feel heard and respected, and children in foster care need to feel safe, secure and supported. You can do this with:

1) Clear and honest communication from the start

Fostering will change many aspects of your birth child’s life, so they need to be aware of the impact. Explain to them that fostering can be unpredictable and there might be a few bumps in the road, and that another child will also need your time and attention. Give them as much information as possible so nothing is a surprise later down the line.

2) Dedicated time for birth children

Ensure your children don’t ever feel excluded or pushed out by dedicating precious one-on-one time with them. You could schedule it around your foster child’s extra-curricular activities if they have any, or simply allocate certain evenings or afternoons and stick to it so they know it’s important to you.

Open communication throughout a fostering placement. You want your child to feel confident they can come to you with any issue, concern or question they have when a child is in your care. Children who foster should feel empowered to discuss their feelings with their parents, so make sure you establish a family dynamic where you all talk openly together. After all, a problem shared is a problem half solved.

3) Education around trauma and behaviour

The more your child knows about the impacts of childhood trauma, the more they’ll be able to empathise with the child in your care. Explain that their foster sibling may struggle to manage their emotions, which can lead to anger, stress, anxiety or low mood. It’s not their fault they behave this way, and the work you’re doing as a foster parent alongside social workers and other fostering professionals will help them overcome their upsetting pasts.

You could get your children to put themselves in the shoes of looked-after children to better understand them. i.e. ‘how does a child feel after being separated from their own family?’, ‘how does a child feel about staying in a new house with new people?’, ‘how does a child feel when people label them as naughty or bad?’.

4) Healthy relationship building

Depending on their age and personality, most children will naturally begin to play with each other as time goes on, but you might need to help facilitate a relationship. Help them find common ground and encourage them to spend time together.

Of course, you need to be mindful of how comfortable your foster child feels in their new environment, and you should always go at their pace. But having a child already in the home can see them settle in quicker as they have someone with a similar energy and shared interests.

5) Preparation for different outcomes

Arm you child with knowledge of what fostering is and how it works so they can be prepared for any scenario, such as a long-term placement ending, or having to cope with children staying for very short periods of time.

1. Developing empathy

Growing up with foster siblings who have experienced a lot of trauma, loss and instability in their lives can teach your birth children a lot about empathy. Over the years, we’ve seen many children who foster develop a lot of compassion and consideration for others at a younger age, which helps to improve their own social skills.

It’s quite common for those who have grown up in a fostering family to go on to be foster parents themselves, or have a career in helping others, such as social work.

2. Learning how to share

Sharing is a valuable life lesson that all children need to learn. From taking turns in games to letting another kid borrow their favourite toy, it’s a way to build bonds and create friendships. Sharing also feels good!

Seeing others happy in turn makes us happy. Also, the sooner your child understands the value in sharing, the more likely it is that the young person in your care will feel accepted into the family.

3. Meeting people from different walks of life

Being accepting of others and embracing difference is another crucial life lesson your child can gain through fostering. Exposure to different races, religions, sexualities and points of view can help your child grow into a worldly, wise young adult.

4. Greater appreciation for life

When children first come into foster care, they often have very little and might not have experienced much normalcy in a family setting. This is why children who foster tend to develop more appreciation for the little things in life after realising what their foster siblings have gone through.

This can literally be as simple as appreciating the value in sitting down together for an evening meal and telling each other about your day.

5. Creating friendships

Strong bonds and relationships are crucial to a child’s healthy development. We want the children in our care to know what it’s like to feel loved and accepted, but also learn how to trust people and create lasting friendships. When children who foster and those in care accept one another and form a bond, it’s a wonderful thing to see.

6. Developing a greater sense of responsibility

If your kids are older than the children that come into your care, they might naturally develop an ‘older sibling’ responsibility for them. This could be looking out for them in school, helping them with homework or giving them dating advice if age appropriate. Doing this shows signs of improved maturity and can give your child a sense of purpose.

Benefits for children who foster

Fostering can be a truly rewarding experience for the whole family...

I want to foster - how do I talk to my kids about it?

It’s vital that your children are included in your conversations around deciding to become a foster parent. They need to be on board with the decision and feel comfortable with how the family dynamic will inevitably shift. They are an integral part of the family and will play a big role in any foster child’s life. Talking to them about your decision to foster, the reasons why you’re fostering and the process involved is the first step towards making this a success.

Listen to their concerns and don’t dismiss anything they say as unimportant or not a big deal.
Educate them on all things fostering, including the not-so-pretty bits and ask them if they have any concerns.
Let them know they can be as honest and frank with you as they like – this is a big change so it’s better you know their stance, even if it’s not what you want to hear.
Reassure them that the relationship they have with you won’t change and that they’ll always be loved and included.
Give them time to reflect on the fostering journey and don’t rush them into fostering if they’re not ready.

How we support children who foster

We want to make sure fostering is a positive endeavour for all the family, so we go above and beyond to support the children who foster with their families. Here are just a few ways we look out for the children of our foster parents.

Family support workers

Family support workers are there to help ensure everyone is happy and content during a fostering placement, as well as ensure the voices of children who foster are heard. Fostering can be tough sometimes, so they might need a nice long chat to vent their frustrations or seek advice.

Our family support workers can also step in to help look after your foster child when you need to spend quality time with your own children, or they might arrange a get-together for your child with other children who foster.

Events and activities

Spending quality time together outside the home is so important for any family. That’s why we arrange regular events where foster families can connect, have fun and share experiences. We hold events just for the children of foster parents too, such as paintballing, trampolining or seeing a show.

Forums for children who foster

These forums, held at our offices, give children who foster the chance to connect with other children who foster and share experiences. Whether they’re happy, sad, frustrating or rewarding, sharing their feelings with peers can help them feel not so alone.

Recognition and rewards

The children of our foster parents make an incredible difference to the lives of young people in care, so it’s only right they get the recognition they deserve. We celebrate Sons and Daughter’s Month and they also receive gifts to thank them for their service.

Children’s voices matter too!

That’s why we capture feedback from children who foster each year to see if there’s anything we can do to improve the experience for children who foster.

Frequently asked questions

Can I foster if I have a baby?

It all depends on your individual circumstances. If it’s your first baby and you’ve not had any experience of working with children, it might not be the best time to consider fostering as a career. However, if you have other children, it’s your first child but you’ve had a career working with kids or you’ve fostered before, you could be considered and go on to be an amazing foster parent.

In cases where people foster with their own baby, their situation will be carefully considered in the matching process, ensuring only suitable children are being referred. What’s important is that you’re able to meet the needs of a vulnerable child without affecting the wellbeing of your own baby.

Why do children in foster care need their own bedroom?

Many people ask if their children and foster children can share a room, however, it’s a legal requirement for any foster child over the age of three to have their own room. Just like everybody else, children in foster care deserve space, privacy and a place they can retreat to if they’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or just want peace and quiet. Having a bedroom to call their own also instils a sense of belonging within the family, which is crucial for making sure they feel loved and wanted.

It’s also a matter of setting boundaries and giving them independence and freedom that will help them grow into healthy, happy young adults. Another reason is due to safeguarding, so separate bedrooms help to keep everyone safe while they get changed, dress themselves and sleep.

How will fostering affect my children who come back during the holidays?

Your spare bedroom must always be available to a child in your care. If your children move away for university and come back during the holidays, you’ll need to make sure there's another room or place for them to sleep. Children in foster care have already experienced a lot of instability, so it’s important there’s solid consistency within their foster home.

How many children can I foster at a time?

The number of children you can foster at any given time will depend on a number of things, such as your availability, experience and whether you have enough room in your house. Even if you have multiple spare bedrooms, we’ll want to make sure you’re in a position to provide the best care possible.

Siblings in foster care desperately need safe, loving homes to go to, and we’ll always try to keep them together if we can. The children’s placing local authority might decide that some siblings can potentially share a room, depending on their age and if the bedroom has adequate space.

Once I realised that what we were doing was such an incredible thing to do and so rewarding for my entire family, my initial anxieties about fostering went away."
- Kenya, child who fosters

Download Our Children Who Foster Guide

Help your children discover what it's like to foster with our Children Who Foster Guide. Fill out your details on the following form to download the guide.

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